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Rethia
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Name: Magda
Gender: Female
Interests: Practically everything. Cake decorating, Tae Kwon Do, Civil Air Patrol, reading, writing, violin playing, singing, science, history, READING!!!, music, forensics, archery, DDR, action/adventure movies, ballroom, swing, and contra dancing, choir, babies and little children, and so much more...
Expertise: See interests. (there are some exceptions) I've worked for my parents for the last eight (almost nine) years doing everything from order entry and customer service to writing articles and News Shorts for the magazine we publish. I also decorate cakes and I have been paid for making a couple, but it's not a steady source of income. It's good experience overall though.
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  RethiaWarrior
Member Since:
12/1/2005
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| Life is better without the "what if" questions, and life without those questions allow me to make decisions for the future. I'm excited for graduate school!
Just need to get through one more year of undergrad. | | |
| I experience vertigo, to some degree. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. But today it made me wonder a little. Why don't I feel small? I can stand next to the Gateway Arch and not feel small. I don't feel small, honestly. I can climb a mountain and feel awe at the mountain itself, but I still don't feel small. I cannot take my size relative to any other object. I think this is, in part, because the feeling causes fear. As to why that's the case, I'm rather in the dark. My favorite book of the Bible is Job, and my favorite chapter in Job is chapter 42, where Job is responding to God. In part this is my favorite chapter because this is the rational response to God.
Then Job answered the LORD, and said,
I know that thou canst do every thing, and that no thought can be withholden from thee.
Who is he that hideth counsel without knowledge? therefore have I uttered that I understood not; things too wonderful for me, which I knew not.
Hear, I beseech thee, and I will speak: I will demand of thee, and declare thou unto me.
I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee.
Wherefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.
In other words, "I'm small, I don't know everything, and I'm sorry." My mind has a certain pathway. The only pathway I truly have difficulty following. Y'see, it starts like this, generally. "God is the creator. If God is the creator, He made everything. If He made everything, the entirety of the world and space and all the laws and components thereof, He is powerful." This is not a perfect rundown of how this goes in my brain. It's much... larger in my brain. I sense the enormity of what this means, and my brain always, without fail, clamps down just as i start to feel the fear. It's not the sort of fear I feel when I'm on a roller coaster or watching something scary. The enormity of this feeling is not the same. It makes me feel small. Insignificant. And for some reason I can't feel that way. The feeling causes panic.
This could be from several sources. Feeling continually small when I was younger. For as long as I can remember I've always been fascinated with "tall" shoes and high heels. i've always wanted to be taller. To be stronger. To live up to my childhood, in some ways. So feeling small doesn't come easy. Yet if I could, I would revel in that feeling forever. To feel small and like someone who needs to be protected instead of protecting everyone else. To feel delicate and sheltered. It's hard to feel delicate or sheltered when you're my size.
Most of all, it would be a relief. I find it hard to depend on other people. Not because I don't trust them, but because I don't want to burden them with my troubles. Which never mattered before, because I didn't really have huge troubles to share. I've had things in my life that I've had to work through, and there's never been anything huge that I've had to work through by myself—ever. God's always been there... but it feels the way I felt when I was being dipped while swing dancing. I couldn't relax for fear I'd be dropped. It's not so much about trusting the other person, again. I knew the person I was dancing with would not ever drop me on purpose, but I know how much I weigh and he didn't.. so I didn't trust him to be able to hold me up. It's my vertigo again. Falling.
I've never really figured out whether I write these posts for myself or for others. It's not like I'm trying to indoctrinate people in the ways or my life. I don't really think it's that interesting. So why the exposition? Is this for myself? A self-purge of things I can't think of straight in my head? No clue. Yet anyway. I'm twenty-four (and two months, one week, and two days), I have time. One would presume I have time anyways. As "they" like to say, no one knows the future.
Anyway... perhaps my summary of this would be, it would be very freeing to figure out how to relax my mostly rigid control over myself and be able to focus on God that way. I'm tired of holding myself up. Not that I'm really holding myself up. It's more like trying to pry myself off the floor. Be that as it may, I think I'm coming to a point where somethings will become more obvious. I can only hope that time comes quickly.
Avast, ye! Off to do... physics. Arrr.
The physics took the wind out of the sails. O well.
Night all.
-Mags | | |
| It may or may not come as a surprise to (most of) you that I am burnt out on school right now.
Just for clarification purposes, I figured I should define 'burnt out':
Adj. 1. burnt-out - exhausted as a result of longtime stress; "she was burned-out before she was 30"
burned-out
tired - depleted of strength or energy; "tired mothers with crying babies"; "too tired to eat"
There you have it. A textbook definition I sort of fit! It's not necessarily stress (though stress is a component) that brought this about. It was long, wearing, continual emotional barrage. Nothing big, right? Meh. That'd be where you're completely wrong. You see, being burnt out is the most continually exhausting thing I've ever encountered. When one is a person like me, their brain never really shuts down. Those times of complete cranial relaxation really don't happen. The closest that I can come to that is when I'm reading because then I'm involved in a different place/world/experience in which my own experience is less paramount.
So what can I do? I find it hard to escape school right now, since I have five more days of my physics class (which entails one [or two] homework set(s), three quizzes, one lab, and two exams). Granted, labs are fun and I'm enjoying learning the stuff, but it's so hard to enjoy what I'm doing when I can't concentrate because my brain is so jammed. It's like it's resisting learning except for when my intellectual curiosity is aroused. Which is relatively often I suppose. Most of the time, though, I feel like I'm trapped in my head, and not in a good way.
My guess is that some of the trouble is that I've spent more time inside this summer than any other summer. I'm trying to fix that. I go outside now during breaks in class (assuming I finish the quiz before break is over). It makes me happier. I thought that getting through the last semester was what it would take to give me back my brain as it had been before. I didn't quite realize that I just have to get away from school altogether for a little while.
That said, I loved biochemistry. It answered a lot of random questions that I've had over the years and created a LOT of new questions that I'm excited to find the answers for. It was one of the most fun classes I've ever had, which is saying something. Dr. Mannino is an amazing, energetic teacher. I was never, ever bored during the classes (though I was really tired for a couple of the classes). The entire class kind of knew each other by the end of the class, which was also cool.
Physics is a little different. There are more people in my physics class than there have ever been even in my history classes at CC (which were the largest classes I was in). I talk to a few people. The TAs are awesome. I didn't realize how much I missed math geek talk. It's hard to have a proper geek talk with dad because he always wants to talk about Bayesian statistics, while I prefer calculus, complex analysis, and cryptography (at least so far).
Despite how tired I sometimes am of school, I'm excited for the possibility of graduate school. I'm definitely hoping that my month in Oregon will bring back my academic perspective. Even if it doesn't, I'm so excited to go!! I want to learn new stuff, ride horses, work on the ranch, help with the business... there's so many things I can do and want to do, i can't begin to even express them all. I also need to get away from Missouri for a while. I seriously think that going to Florida during winter break last year saved my sanity. I figure Oregon will perhaps replenish me in ways that home cannot right now. New place, new perspective. And horses!!
This academic year has taught me a lot. It's taught me that no matter how much I love someone, it can't change how they feel about me. It's taught me to be cautious with my heart. It's taught me that there's always something new to discover, and that discovery is intoxicating and exciting. It's taught me that I can do whatever I put my mind to, but that my mind cannot be distracted if I want to do everything to the best of my ability. On the other hand, it's also taught me how strong friendships can be. It's taught me that my true friends really are there with me through everything.
Music really is a cure-all. Math really does give focus. Chemistry really does explain the world. Forensic science IS an instrument of justice. I really do like working out. God really is the foundation for my entire being. He is my foundation and rock.
I am very much at peace with being single now. I still remember, sometimes, what it's like "having" someone. However, I'm tired of opening myself up to have to pull myself back. It hurts. It's not worth it to me to open myself up again in that way right now. God has His plan for me. I don't know what that is yet. Right now it looks like it's graduate school. I'm content with that decision.
I miss having red hair. A lot. And having blond hair too. My hair is copper colored right now.
I've gone from the difficult to the inconsequential. Anyone know how to turn my brain back on, clear it, and have it work properly from now on? I've always gotten along with people for my entire life (sure, I've had spats with the sibs and some fights, but we're all close in the end, so what did it matter?), so the novelty, if I can call it that, of having people hate me for no reason, treat me like trash for no reason, and betray me is still quite new and quite sharp. I don't know what will happen if my final semesters are like the last two. We shall see I suppose.
I need to sleep! Class is tomorrow at 9:30 AM and I only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night (I was reading a book I didn't want to put down).
Goodnight and God bless to thou all,
-Magda | | |
| For those of you deprived by my current lack of posting any sort of life updates on xanga, that is going to change. I have a lot to say and I intend to say it.
Over the past academic year, I feel like I've been challenged in ways I never expected to be challenged. I've experienced things I wasn't ready for, and I've been pulled over the coals more times than I'd like to count. The experiencing new things began last year around this time in the spring. I had a boyfriend for the first time ever... but then I broke up with him because of our religious differences (among other issues) after about a month. I was devastated for a while. I pulled myself together, and finished the semester strong though. My love of learning was unabated.
Enter last semester, fall of 2008. I was in three classes with my friend Soon. She had kind of planned it out that way, because she depended on me for help in classes. Before too long, the stress she was experiencing because of school became my stress. I was pulled emotionally thinner and thinner. Eventually, we were supposed to work on a project together. We did, but only in the briefest of senses. Her mentality was, "if there is English involved, you can do it." It wasn't a good situation. I haven't really spoken with her in depth since then. For the first few weeks of this semester, it would give me anxiety attacks if I saw her or she tried to speak to me about homework. I cut that connection, and I felt better for it. But something had gone sour.
Calculus III was a class I had been looking forward to for a year. I'll grant you, I had difficulty with having Dr. Bledsoe as a teacher, but not anywhere near as much trouble as I had having Soon in the class with me. She dislikes Dr. Bledsoe a lot, so she would always talk about it. She would be stressed, so she'd talk about that. It just got to be too much. I was turning into someone I didn't like when I was around her. Calculus III was ruined for me. I couldn't enjoy it. Couldn't get excited about it. I was being held back. It ruined the semester for me. The stress affected my other classes too, so I did well.. but it was harder than usual.
This semester... I've made some friendships I know will last forever. But at the same time, something in me has been destroyed and I'm desperately trying to rebuild it in my heart. My love of learning... has been shoved briefly and unceremoniously into a chest. Sometimes it comes out and I feel like myself again, but more often, I just feel dead.
Why? Well...
I have been emotionally harassed this semester. It began, surprisingly enough, the day after Valentines day. Someone taped condoms all over my door in the dorm and then opened one and put it on the handle and left a Bible verse taped to the door with the words "long, hard, wide, deep, and love of God" underlined. That attack made me very, very vulnerable. Then, one of my friends decided to stop speaking to me for some reason of his own. He hasn't really spoken to me since then. It was surprising because I had been really close with him before. Something happened and he just changed. Then, I was, in a way, betrayed. Lied to. I went through a week and a half in a fog. I barely got through any of my classes. It's a miracle I managed to get good grades on my quizzes at all. I wasn't able to focus on or study physical chemistry (without question the hardest class I signed up for this semester). I got so behind, that I knew that if I took the exam I would flunk it horribly. I couldn't bear that. Not after everything else that had happened. An academic failure would have crumpled me entirely. I dropped the class, and feel much more happy since I have dropped the class. There is still that sense that I gave up, though. I know, intellectually, that I didn't give up, but it still feels like I did.
Then... both the happiest and most bittersweet parts of this semester... I "met" someone on eHarmony. He came to Columbia to listen to our first concert, and I had a lot of fun with him. I went home two weekends later, and we spent most of the weekend together. I met his friends, went to his church, and met his family. He met my family, some of my friends, and went to my church. It was too much. I didn't know any better and neither did he. The conclusion? He said, "let's be friends." A difficult thing to propose, to say the least.
My photography assignment, ironically, the next week was "abandoned and stranded." I don't think I've ever taken a picture that more fully expressed how I was feeling at a moment (except for when I take pictures in the fall) than this picture. I was hurt, but I accepted his decision, but I still was hoping... looking back. I didn't want to use these flowers. I tried to buy some other ones, but it's hard to find potted plants in winter. It made the picture even more personal.
I come to the present: I'm counting down the days and hours 'til spring break and I go to Austria. I have a few close friends in choir, so I'm excited to go, but I'm still sad. I don't know what the future will bring, but I feel like I've regressed years in the emotional healing I did after I started going to Spring Hills (my home church). I'm more on edge this semester. I'm working hard, but my brain doesn't feel like it did before. It hurts from constantly thinking. I have no place I can go for peace. At least not physically. Every day brings something new I have to do. I want to just get away. Go somewhere with no people. A place where I can climb on everything in sight and scream if I want to. I went home two weekends in a row. It was like escaping. I've never felt like this about college before. I've always left a little earlier so I can get back and learn something new. It was exciting. I love to learn. Or I did. Now I don't feel free to love anything fully because I'm scared of being hurt again. I pray that the summer will alleviate a lot of that trouble. That it will refresh and renew.
I don't know what will happen over the next six weeks. I do know that I'm really, really tired.. and that I'm going to do my best to find some place where I can be alone for some time during spring break. I'm bringing books with me, and I am ABSOLUTELY reading books for fun if I have the time. I love long flights for reading!
In the meantime, I need to concentrate on school a little. I realize this isn't as long as my usual tomes, but I need to get some studying done tonight to prepare for my exam on Friday.
I need some time to cry. Just cry and cry and cry until I can't cry any more, and then I think I'll feel better. That will be a clean cry. I have anger in my heart at people that I don't want to be there.
So now... I need to go. I don't know when or if I'll be able to write again before the end of the semester. I have so much to do. We shall see.
-Magdalee | | |
| You know the feeling: You're plugging along as usual, getting good grades, spending time with great friends, active in clubs, well known on campus.. you're someone everyone knows. The question is, though, who REALLY knows you? That is, is there anyone who knows those darkest secrets? Who knows you for what you really are? Who accepts you for what and who you are? There is something consummate about that sort of a relationship. The person who, when they see you, smile like they've just found something precious. The ones who look like seeing you has brightened their whole day. The sun came out, and melancholy doesn't exist.
So what is this love thing? What makes it so special and sought-after? There is Agape love, which is God's selfless love. It is love that desires nothing in return. It's an open gift, free to be taken. There is selfish love. This is the more common sort of love. It's love that demands something in return. Sometimes called "mother's love" this type of love is everything from jealous to protective. It has its own sort of charm. There is possessive love; people become objects or a "thing" to be desired. Then... there's romantic love. That first, butterfly and floating heart filled, mutual attraction that slowly develops into something more.. or something less depending on the people. What makes that? Is it chemistry? Mutual likes? Something in a person's eyes?
American culture both takes romantic love not very seriously, and not seriously enough. They take it too seriously by making it a central theme of movies, books, and magazines. It's the highest peak of "young love" to be in romantic love with someone. They don't take it seriously enough, though, and that leads to misunderstanding the feelings involved which leads to too much. Breakups sometimes then happen, and the damage has been done. By college, sex is taken for granted. Those of us who are virgins are "respected for making that choice, but it wouldn't work for 'me' for x, y, z reasons." Some envy virginity, feeling that they gave up too much too quickly and lost something precious. People say sex is overrated. I say sex is overrated only when you treat it like another step in a relationship outside of marriage. Even articles on Yahoo! say that surveys show that married couples find that sexual intimacy gets better the longer they are together. if you do anything with a bunch of different people at different times, sure it's going to seem overrated. If you have sex with people you don't end up staying with in the long haul, well... was it worth it?
So am I lonely? Yes and no. I'm lonely for that person I'll eventually be with for the rest of my life. I'm tired of having my affections played with by guys. I don't like being played with. When I love people, I love them. It's not half-hearted. Playing with my head by flirting or not taking me seriously is a big mistake. If someone doesn't care for someone in that way (i.e. if you aren't interested...) they shouldn't flirt. Unless it's mutual friendly flirting. Where it's aboveground and everyone knows that's what it is. That's a special (rather rare) circumstance. Why do I care? Because I'm not the sharpest tack in the box when it comes to telling if someone is serious or not.
I will say, the one thing I will not stand any more is being treated like a guy. I'm not a guy. I'm a woman. Treat me like a girl, if you must.. but don't treat me like a man or a boy. I won't have it.
Going back, I'm not lonely. I have wonderful friends (girls and guys) who make me laugh and love me. Do I really need anything more? Not really? Am I perfectly content with this? Most of the time. There are those moments, though, that point out to me exactly how weak I am in this area. I would love to have someone else there who could take care of me and protect me and love me.. and who I could support and love and cuddle with. I would love to be protected by someone besides myself. To have someone that, when I'm tired or frustrated or discouraged, can just hold me and that will make the world better. Someone who makes my hair stand on end and who I can watch scary movies with and just be a girl and hide my face in his shoulder. Nice thoughts, but unproductive.
So yes, I am lonely. Sometimes. Not all the times. Then I remember I have those aforementioned wonderful friends. I have God. I have school... and I have no time and no life outside of school. (okay, I have a life, it's just a very busy life!) It wouldn't work? That's the question I always ask myself. My answer... has been "yes" for a while now. There is so much yet to be done, and I'm excited to do it. Career? Graduate school? Relationships? The last one is moot without a guy, so why worry?
I need sleep, y'all. Kudos to anyone if they actually read this. G'night all.
Love, Mags | | |
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